1.11.2011
In the past, I would always say “I want this” and “I want that”. But truth be told, I have never really acquired those wants. Many times have I wanted things and many times have I been defeated and frustrated. Why? It is not because of money, though most of the times it really does. But I am not talking about material things like watch, ring, necklace or any other possession. I am talking about the emotional part of things. Being that the case, I don’t and really don’t get those things. The reason is because of my “rapid change of mind” and “sumhanon ako”. Another is that I want things that I am not meant to have. I want things that are truly beyond my capability to understand its true meaning and purpose. I want to have that connection to the point that I become selfish and arrogant.
Being the youngest of four siblings, I always get cranky when that happens to the point that I’ve done things, stupid and terrible things that I shouldn’t have. It was so stupid that I burried it deep inside my mind. I’ve hurt my loved ones over and over again. I’ve hurt them so badly that even I, myself asked why the heck did I do that? Why do I hurt the people whom I love? Why? WHY?
I hate that side of me…
I hate that ‘ME’…
I want to be loved and at the same time I don’t. I want to love and hate that person at the same time. I want to love you and yet I hurt you.
Do not look at me with those eyes. I don’t know why but I feel guilty. I don’t know why, but I feel sad. For goodness sake! Let’s get this over with! I hate it!
Don’t make me feel guilty! Don’t make me realize and think of the things that I know I would regret not having. Don’t!
Gosh! I feel like crying! I feel like an imbecile! It hurts to think that you know. It hurts to think that you pity me for what I said. I know it is my fault. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have. I don’t want to burden you anymore. I don’t want this anymore! I can’t stand it anymore!
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