I lied once when i said "good"
I lied twice when i said "yes"
I lied thrice when the words had spelled "am not hurt"
I lied so many times before that my life is but a lie
I lied again again when they asked "are you okay?"
I lied for the fifth time when they said "tell us in detail"
And then again I lied when I said I will always be your friend
The world is too cruel to be true
Too harsh to call my home
My life is but a lie but your the only truth in my life
Last night when we were eating, I heard a conversation saying "Sorry is not enough to the wounded person."
Is it really? Is sorry not enough? When I heard it, it made me wonder. When I made a mistake or wounded someone, I would say "I'm sorry".I would plead for that person to forgive me, though sometimes it takes me months to say so. When I saw people quarreling, I want them to forgive each other right away.
Is sorry really not enough?
I was always saying sorry and I've never really the one being said sorry to. Is sorry really not enough? Is it?
I wonder...
Defense Mechanism
In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies brought into play by various entities to cope with reality and to maintain self-image. Healthy persons normally use different defenses throughout life. An ego defense mechanism becomes pathological only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behavior such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected. The purpose of ego defense mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety, social sanctions or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope.
They are more accurately referred to as ego defense mechanisms, and can thus be categorized as occurring when the id impulses are in conflict with each other, when the id impulses conflict with super-ego values and beliefs, and when an external threat is posed to the ego.
The term "defense mechanism" is often thought to refer to a definitive singular term for personality traits which arise due to loss or traumatic experiences, but more accurately refers to several types of reactions which were identified during and after daughter Anna Freud's time.
So, was I lying again? or was it just a "defense mechanism"?
When I don’t want to hear something I cover my ears with my hands and chant “LALALALALALA”.
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| Wow! The moon is beautiful tonight!naglalaway ako |
What I told you was true. The thing I said wasn't a lie. Yet why?
Why do I feel like taking back those words? Why do I feel like I shouldn't have said those words?It's stupid I know. Stupid and crazy. I know for a fact that I've burdened you with those words...but I can't simply I trust what I said.
I'm sorry...
What now? What now?
Have you ever thought, ever imagined actually for your dreams to be reality? When a dream comes true, they call it deja vu. When an event happen that you have seen happen in a dream you call it deja vu. Does it really exist? Do dreams come true? If it does, what then?
I have experienced them happening. Some of my dreams which had come true are quite contrite down to the last period. Some of them have differences. That's right. Sometimes I can see the future. Sometimes I can see the next event. As much as it do me good, I can't help but be afraid. I can't help but despair that one day, somewhere in the near future, my dreams would lead me to my death or worse, the death of a friend. I cherish those people around me. May it be a friend, a pet, a thing or whatever. As long as I know you need to be loved by me, I will always be.
Dreams can sometimes be beautiful and sometimes horrible.
Last Dec. 21 I had a dream connected directly to my loved ones. I felt helpless in that dream. I reached out but no one is reaching for me. No one seems to hear me. No one was there to comfort me. I felt alone. Abandoned, to be exact. In reality, I was just dreaming and I can't really breath. My voice was inaudible but I was finally freed from that nightmare. With a jolt, I ran from that place for it still stinks of death. I cried and I trembled with fear. That was the first time after so many years. In my elementary years, I have nightmares every night. Nightmares in which I can't escape. Can't call out for help. The reason why I can't sleep without the light on.It only stopped when I entered High School.
October, the whole month actually, I seem to have a dream of about a certain person. I didn't know what that meant. I always woke up confused and distraught. It seemed I was being haunted by a certain positive aura that even I can't grasp.
It's the end of the school week. In the past, I would always like to go home as early as possible to feel your warmth embrace. In the past, I would always rush home just to see your ever summer smile..but now that you're gone..I feel nothing...
I feel a total stranger to myself. The one thing I love most was taken forcibly away from me and there seems to be nothing that can make me feel the same again..
I want to see that smile again...
I want to kiss those cute nose again...
I want to feel that loving stare again...
but that is just a 'want'..
There is no one to welcome me home anymore!No one to wake me up!No one!He is gone!Gone forever!
I feel no motivation. I feel ice cold. I feel numb. Tomorrow when I arrive, there's just....
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| my love, my one and only |
It was full of fun when you are around. The air is so filled with laughter and joy and love. My only thought was you and no one else. You were my sunshine. My joy. My one and only love. but then again I never have one.
You were like summer in a cold day. You were like winter when the sun was hot. But most of all, you were just YOU and no one else. You were everything I dreamed of. You were everything. Every little thing was you. You alone brightens up my day.You were my smile, my laugh, my heart. It has and always had been you from the moment I first saw you. Call it love-at-first-sight or whatever but it will always be you.
So why then would you leave me behind?Why then would you leave without saying goodbye?Why?WHY?
You knew how I felt! You knew I love!
As much as I want to say those cruel words to you, I just can't. Your gone forever and I won't see you again (though in my dreams and delusions, you will always be). I was part of you, and you are a part of me. Nothing will ever change that. I may miss your warmth embrace, your hot-tongued kiss, your dashing smile, I might even want to see you cry, but that is all there is to it.
I can miss you, I can love you with all that I am but I can't hold you that is the honest truth.
Happy monthday!, my cute puppy...wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, I'll always be here waiting, in case you want to come back to me...
Sometime in the afternoon,maybe around 1, there was a blackout. Meaning no electricity, no net, no nothing. I was so bored. It was so quiet, except for the boys playing basketball. One of my friends was playing. He tripped three times and it was fun watching them play. Then the lights came back around 2:30. I was happy!
Firstly,I charged my net-book then opened it and read some comics. (I do love reading books!) Areane was also low in battery so she also charged. But unfortunately, it didn't. It was a full hour of agonizing pain. Areane was of to a meeting and a friend of her was doing the job. He tried every possible way, but it just wouldn't. Then she arrived, Areane. She, together with her colleagues had just been scolded by some high-and-mighty president. She checked her net-book and was quite shocked it won't charge!
"Earlier it charged",she said and I can vouch for it 'cause I was there myself. Again she tried charging it (I helped of course). Then, just out of blue, I took the charger and put it somewhere on my head and it charged!It actually, really charged! The hell?! It was really funny, thinking that it charged because of my head or something. Many minutes had passed and I felt kinda stupid, doing a pose..I sincerely was joking about it to my friends even..hahaha
I moved a little,and guess what?,It stopped charging...darn this charger...
After what felt like years, the battery was full. Thank goodness for that. I felt weak. I felt hungry. My joints are even trembling...We were even joking saying that maybe it works because of my chakra! (your chi)
So I ask...Do electricity sap your energy?Try it if you like...
It was the first time I attended an alumni homecoming. I'm not really into partying but I just wanted to see my friends. It was really amazing. Seeing how they have grown all these years. It started around 6 in the evening, though I arrived there at around 9 past. The music was quite loud for my taste. So boring, really. My chest was even jumping with every beat. I felt like running but I can't do that! That would be embarrassing. As much as I want to leave, I can't. As much as I want to go home, I can't. I'm tired and I want to rest but duty calls. It was my first time attending so my friends and cousins insisted that I stay. So I stayed. Not knowing that later I would be in a situation that I haven't encountered yet.
It was so crazy. It was crap. I could only say "Maybe"and "I don't know". I said to myself "What the hell is this?!". It was full of agonizing words!
Tell me, what would you do when someone said,
"I love you." to you?
